I should learn to recognize this 'feeling' by now, but, I never do. It's where I feel I am tethered very very tenuously to the earth. The last time I felt so 'out there' was when I ignored my mothers' death. Nothing quite so severe now, except, well, it reminds me of death. Fuck. Spit it out. Going to get checked up. I am only a year late in doing so, but, I don't know. There is no reason this should still have such disruptive power over me still, but there is always the frigging chance I'll walk out of the doctors office radically different then I am this moment. Not one thing in my world or the world at large will have actually changed, save for the uttering of one word. Cancer. This is such a vivid memory. I guess this is flash back time.
So, I loathe going for these checks, I surely fucking do. I am the consummate coward today.
This is, uhm, awesome. ( I have to find another word for 'awesome' ). Well, the project is awesome and , however silly it may be, I love finding locally created sites. Cincinnati has played an odd role in my life, in that every effort and thought, from as far back as I recall, was invested in escaping it. I used to always refer to it as the 'Black Widow" and I was convinced it would be my nemesis and pray that it won't yet become so. And even though I escaped for a good 15 years, and am still intent on escape, I have concluded there must be some unfinished business in Cinci, that I need to tend to, before she'll release me. Odd thing though, after all these years, I have just recently come to see her as my city, to think of her as home. It doesn't matter that I denied, maligned, and lamented her existence and my residency here. Her energy, the topography, geography, lore, and myth, citizens and politics are all components of the portrait named "Ann". In fact, supposedly, when reincarnated, the area you choose to live or be born to, has a key impact on the path you are doing. Unfortunately, I can't back that up with proof, but, it makes sense to me. I don't like it, but, it makes sense. Point being, I would like to write about that, and, if it is honest enough, I'll definitely submit it to CincyStories.
I'm still tired so tired. If I could take time off, autumn would be ideal. I could think of nothing as exhilarating as heading west in my jeep for a visit with my nephew in Montana. Well, next topic. That one isn't going to happen.
I'm tired of the race and boycott issue. Or at least I'm tired of hearing myself rant on. I never meant to give it so much emphasis, and I don't intend to ignore it, but I think I'll start a sister blog to this one, or a sub-blog, or whatever I spawn is called. It will be the angry blog. The one where I will go to spew venom.
Because I have another voice. That isn't strident and embattled. I just have to find that voice. It is why I ever started blogging. To find my voice again. I couldn't write anymore after I emerged from the world that was cancer. I'm not sure why. I have not explored the devastation it left behind. I could not afford to dwell there and try to rebuild my life at the same time. But it is there. I am there. Some essential part of me. And I need words to find my way back, but I need a heart for my words to have power and I have lost it all, heart and voice, back there in the rubble of the life I once had. And words will take me home, and if it turns out I truly am never meant to have a home, then words will take me where I must go.
And for some reason this blogging tool opened the way back to words and writing. Not the writing I want to do. But it will come. It will come.
So, I will take roadSassy back to path she was meant to meander along and make "politics" a town I visit from time to time. Which means I am likely to be distracted by trying to do the HTML thing that I have no clue about as I redesign. Oh well. I'll learn.
There seem to be so few efforts to combat the Shakedown Gang, This effort to negate, obliterate, erase, the reparations merits support. Jesus, I mean, this mentality has passed being an irritant to being a menace.
Well, The last post I sent to the 5 News Forum, I can only assume, was censored, as it hasn't appeared yet. I imagine they construed it as 'racist'. Truth can't be a part of the dialogue going on in this city, as long as in the expression of it, you are slammed with the oh-so-dreaded racist tag and silenced.
Oh well, I'm getting way tired of the issue. I've come to understand, as I attempt to examine why I basically 'froth at the mouth' over the boycott, is that it has more to do with a certain mind set, certain spirit, if you will, than the specific issue in which that 'spirit' is expressed. Locally it manifests as the boycott, nationally as reparations, globally as the militant muslims. And elemental to its' success is drama,fear, ignorance and manipulation. The results are always ugly. It can be played out by nations, cities, or individuals. I fled it in my family, it destroyed any trust in friendships I ever had, and it is eating the guts out of this city. I call it "violating reality'. Someday I'll talk about it.
This is just a slight respite from driving, this now being Monday, early afternoon, but it will date as yesterday I think. Who knows, I've been posting and not publishing. For now, I'm tired to the bone and I've allowed myself to be sad. I go now to repair body and mend soul.
Cincinnati Boycott: Spit & Venom from Channel 5 news forum
Riddy wrote
To Colerain: Like I said in my previous post-the people involved in the weekend's problems should be punished and their parents should be held accountable. But since you are aware of the situation at OU, then please enlighten me-why is race never an issue when there is unrest at an all white event, but it is the first thing that you and your friends mention when it is at black event? What happened this weekend had nothing to do with the racial tension in the city but it had everything to do with a lack of supervision. There was no protest going on, it was a group unruly young people that had nothing better to do then to distroy other people's property - just like the bar situation at Ohio U.
And since you are aware of the problems at OU, are you aware of the way the city of Athens is trashed every Halloween and High/Palmer Fest weekend by a predominately white crowd? Are you aware of the number of women that are raped during these events? One of my best friends, who happens to be white, was one of the rape victims. But of course race is never mention then either. And I am sure the number of people involved in these events number well beyond 2000. And this is by a supposedly educated, morally grounded crowd of young people.
As far as blacks working to find solutions, there are people out there trying to make a difference. I, along with everyone in my family and my friend base (including white people), mentor inner-city, poor young people on a weekly, if not daily basis, regardless of the race of the child. We also work with the police and other groups to help try to find solutions, instead of just putting out blame. We need to come out of our comfort zones and reach out to all the people in this city. Although I am a black woman, I come of my comfortable surburban lifestyle to go to the inner-city and work with these young people.
Since you seem like such a civil minded person, why don't you and any other person interested in making a real change in the city, become part of the solution. There are numerous groups that have mentoring and community involvement in the schools throughout the city. We need to get proactive instead of reactive and defensive if we want to see real change in this city.
Cincinnati has a bad reputation throughout the county now. And all Cincinnatians regardless of race, class, gender, etc. need to step up to the plate and change that reputation.
I think this is really sad that after all that this city and this county has been through in the past 18 months that we can get beyond all of the blame and start taking action. It is no longer a black or white neighborhood problem - it is a city problem- and it is up to everyone to make a positive contribution.
Zee responds with
Why are people playing these damn word games??? Wake up Riddy! It becomes a race thing when the consistently criminal activities are perpetrated by one group. It is a racial thing when I have to wake up and have my morning coffee with my daily 'black - on - black murders' in Westwood or Fairmount or Over the Rhine, or Madisonville. Not too many white folk there. It was a sea of black faces roaming downtown screaming obscenities this week- end, not white. I am downtown every single day and those are black faces staring, sullen and menacing, not white. not white trash, not white anything. And these were NOT kids or children. Who are you kidding? These are not youth with home work time and bed time and play time. Quit acting like they are suburban kids with inattentive busy parents. Their parents did not know, nor care , where they were because they NEVER know or care where they are. These are street savvy, angry black men and women ( and a few deluded whites) PLUS, a whole host of out of town activists, (their infiltration here courtesy your frigging boycott), exploiting ignorance and innocence alike. And don't even begin to compare this week-end with sporting event outbreaks, which is a breed of its own and, gee, includes black participants, and guess what, they all go back to the productive lives they took a recess from. It is uncharacteristic behavior. Get it? The white melees you contend are comparable to the BF Reunion mess loose all similarity when you can safely conjecture the majority of participants were acting OUT of character, while the reunion revelers , it can be safely assumed, were acting very much IN character. And don't even go there with college mayhems. Those students, I guarantee you felt remorse and/or had to accept consequences, did not moan about their history of oppression to justify their misbehavior. AND they went back to solid productive lives as students, not to some murky street corner to brood about the white oppressors and how "white boy gonna get his 'cause they owe us", as often recited by your reparations contingent
I am convinced you people are going to attempt to justify your every rude, ignorant, and criminal deed with a recitation of what big ole mean whitie done to ya in the past. You sound like spoiled, hysterical children running from the big bad boogie man. The only picture that is emerging of the black race, as far as I can see or hear, is that of a venal, avaricious, vindictive, churlish, juvenile losers. You don't like that Riddy? Well, neither do I. Until this boycott, the only image and experience of black people I knew were what you described yourself to be but, IF you do not speak out, do not make your presence known, do nothing to be a voice of reason to counter the skewed picture Lynch portrays to the world, DO NOT complain that you are being grouped with those whose raw ideology is malignant and destructive. You can be damn sure white folk are quick to disassociate themselves from the kkk.
See, for those of you who claim to know the white man so damn well, I would counter, you better look again. You think you know the white race but, by virtue of your incessant self-obsession and constant caterwauling, you have failed to see you are dealing with a generation of white people who have,for the most part, from childhood on, stepped all over themselves trying not to offend a black person. Should we say black, or is it negro, or now is it colored, oh, now it's african american and god forbid you inadvertently say the frigging 'N' word lest everyone shatter like so many fragile humpty dumpties and we have another damn mess to clean up. You've been insulting and alienating a generation of people who have taught their children to respect all people and immediately challenged racist, REAL racist, behavior. A generation who has enjoyed and appreciated the appearance of more and more visible black performers, TV, movies. Not as material for caricaturing black people, as so often accused, but for the brilliant HUMAN talent to be enjoyed. And guess what, it wasn't hard. Counter to what you appear to believe, there is no a cauldron of repressed black hatred lingering in the white heart. We don't connive in small circles to make a black mans day bad. There is no boogie man.
As far as "stepping up to the plate", as riddy suggests, because it is a "city problem", well, I'm sorry, it is a problem bestowed by the black community, created by the black community and needs to be solved by those in that community and any who feel so called. I don't particular subscribe to the "it takes a village to raise a child" philosophy. It takes me to responsibly raise mine and you to responsibly raise yours, and we all produce , as best we can, gracious and productive adults and, bingo, you end up with a village that functions to the benefit of all. It is in that sane, civilized environment that one can effectively deal with the real issues. Where did the money for Huntington Meadows go? Where did the so call empowerment zone funds walk off to? Why is Luken mayor ( can he be impeached)? Develop a showcase for all black business and make sure minority contractors have a crack at all gigs. Whatever. Do you really think white people do not want to see legitimate inequities addressed? But how many remain who give a damn? It is poor psychology and absolutely asinine 'marketing' to present the image of 'poor oppressed me' with grasping outstretched hand to the average American. NO one likes whiners. I stopped listening as soon as I heard I 'owe' it to you. But damn, can you imagine the response if Little Leftie Lynch had spent all his exuberance organizing a black business showcase, get funding from the many wealthy among you, and present a week - end event at the Convention center introducing Cincinnati to the many many wonderful and brilliant people and enterprises minorities are responsible for. Showcase the mentoring and every other endeavor the community is proud of. You don't think that that type of networking and enterprise would be met with open minds and a willingness to CAPITALIZE on all the talent. Instead of turning black entertainers away you could have made a special production of inviting bus loads of white folks from the suburbs to enjoy your music and drama. But to think in that vein, one must actually care about the needs of the black community instead of exploiting it to launch baby Sharptons and Jacksons and build up the membership of the Black Panthers. To think in that vein is to truly act in a spirit of integrity and cooperation. AND , it would produce results.
Until there are responsible black leaders speaking as aggressively as Lynch, until the black community expels the leftist dirt they drug in here, they will get no support from me. Whatever organization exists to thwart Lynch and gang, whatever influence I can ever wield, as small as it may be, will be directed against those who hold this city hostage and all who maintain a condoning silence. The damage done to all, is at your doorstep. Keep it off of mine.
Oh. Look another fine group the rats drug in ( go to bottom, after reading, and click 'main' ) My my. Hey. Maybe they can all pool their money and rent out Swifton Commons and have a Leftist Fest. Like the Psychic festivals that come in town. Hey! Revenue for the blighted neighborhood, and, think of this.NO SUBTERFUGE. Agenda out in the open. "Lunch with Lynch and his Lefty Brigade" an after church social function. Lets' just put the cards on the table instead of all this civil rights and ciny harmony smoke screen.
excerpts from conversations on Black Web Portal Categories: Government & Politics
Black Conservatives sellout?
" I am ready to new ideas , from black business leaders or black conservatives. I am tired of the black academics and black clergy, supposedly speaking for us. They are quick to tell you about problems w/out offering real solutions. They offer the same tired pie in the sky, big government programs. Business leaders however, have actually made sucesses out of there lives and so I feel they can contribute alot. Academics basically study what others have done and critique. Clergy get caught up in morality. We need a moral compass, but that is all they should provide. We need realistic solutions not religous ideology. But every time a black conservative speaks out he is labeled an "Uncle Tom". I favor the black community getting together to help each other over big government programs. So my question is can a black person be a conservative w/out being a sellout?"
"I tired of the liberal black "leadership" in general. But I respect anyone's right to speak. Alan Keyes is like many on TV, he rants and doesn't let others speak. I think his views maybe a little too conservative, for me. I guess I would like to hear a debate where blacks could just talk about the solutions, w/out talking about the causes of the problems and more often giving excuses for poor behaviour. Sometimes, I think people are more interested in finding conspiracies than actually proposing solutions. I favor a self-sufficient solution, that won't involve begging for the scraps from the government. I don't say that we haven't been wronged or that things are fair. But since we already know this we should just work together , like other communities do. Asian families have the highest family income per capita in the USA. They achieve this by working together and not marching in NC or SC about the Confederate Flag. Now I do appreciate all the marching that our parents did to give us our civil rights. But it is a new day, and the game is different. But one thing is clear, we all need to understand although, we may not agree on the how to bridge the divide, we all want to bridge it. I just encourage an open debate and new ideas. Also, I think I am socially liberal and Fiscally moderate."
" What I would like to hear is more what we as blacks can to for ourselves, instead of relying on government. And to be honest it doesn't really matter what white people or government should or shouldn't do. We need to be in control of our destiny. They would never help us become fully equal to them because in any circumstance, people want to keep their advantage. So to rely on them to level the playing field, is rather naive way to look at the world."
"No, black conservatives are not sell outs. It is that Clergy and Academia group that continue to make our people THINK that they need outside help to make it. Business people dream up stuff and make money out of it. They have to plan and market their businesses and in the case of black folks become psychological babysitters for a schizoid populace. Hey, what can I say. Its the truth. Keep the faith"
"I beleive a black can be a conservative without being a sell out. For blacks to allow themselves to be lumped in to any one persuasion can be dangerous. In this case they only have part of the big picture. As conservative and whatever other persuasions black people are abble to share and consolidate their experiences in all of those areas and have a more well rounded understanding of what the "system" is about, and working within it. Respectfully..."
" You are right bickhapy,I think there is room in the Black Politics for more than school of thought. Too many people think that there is only one way a black person, should be or think. And if you do not believe in what is seen as the Black majority, then you must be a sellout. Ward Connerly for instance, I don't agree w/his methods, of trying to wean blacks from affirmative action, but I think it is unfair to demonize the man. He thinks what he is doing is helping blacks. I guess all I saying is there is room for everyone. But that also blacks maybe need to change our politcal strategies, since they date back to the Civil Right era. It is time for new thought to reinvorgorate us.
"WHo are they? And why aren't the Asians, and the Arabs, and even our African brothers and sisters not be held back from achieving economic success by them? Why do we feel so disempowered, by them? Black people can do anything we want, so long as we stick together. Why do we need their help, their approval,and their apologies? There are no Jim Crow laws, and although racism exists, it is nothing that we can't overcome in spite of it. There have been generations of sucessful blacks, that were sucessful before the Civil rights movement, why can't we do it now. There needs to be a new approach, in the black community. I have heard the same rhetoric, for about 12 years, and my guess is that it has been said for longer than that. It is a new day, challenges are different. Before there was Jim Crow, and we fought that. What is left is the racism that is in people's hearts and minds. How do you change that? A better question is who cares? We need to get out of the idea that white folks are going to make things right, and concentrate on how we can make things the best for us.
:::sigh;;; I need to hear more along this vein. It is so heartening. These are reasonable people and they may or may not care for white people but and I can trust such people to act in a reasonable manner.
This is debate i can respect. Being a "sellout" to my race is certainly an issue I have never had to deal with. But descriptions of what the black person experiences delivered in this vein, in a matter of fact assessment that should be factored into a bigger picture, is so much more instructive for someone like me, an average white person without any intimate knowledge, via friends and acquaintances, of the black culture.
So I will search for more of these conversations. My question is, where are those black voices in Cincinnati and what is the reason for their apparent reluctance to be visible?
listening to the black voice, listening for reason.....
These are the beliefs and the intentions of the Black Panther Party. To the average citizen, I imagine that may conjure hazy images of the 60's and black fists angrily punching the air, Angela Davis And her Afro. Innocuous pictures of the past. Not so, not at all. They are here. They are here in sweet Cinci. Hear their voice at the event that serves them so well, the Thomas shooting.
".... One major test of the community's resolve may come in the hours immediately following Thomas's funeral services. The New Black Panther Party has organized an event for 3 p.m. downtown, saying they want to show the community a ''different look'' at black leadership.
''We need all the warriors we can get in this town,'' said Endure X, a Black Panther organizer. ''They need to stand up and take responsibility in their communities. We need warriors to protect the community from those coming in and those already in.''
Now, keeping the above in mind, realize that these are the same people who imported,organized and instructs for a local group going by the name of Cincinnati Copwatch whose briefly outlined statement I find slightly menacing...
( emphasis mine)
"Cincinnati Copwatch was formed in the summer of 2001, following the April Uprising that shook our city to its core. Even before the unrest, many of our members were involved in important dialogue about what needed to change in this city, paying special attention to the issues of police-community relations. Many of us felt that an organization based on action would be necessary to mobilize support and directly produce change in Cincinnati.
Copwatch is an idea that has been growing around the country for some time. Organizations with the Copwatch name have sprouted up from coast to coast and even in Canada. When we heard about the concept - direct monitoring of police activity to create accountability - we knew it would be just what we were looking for. Following the techniques of such great organizations as the Black Panthers, Copwatch is an action-based idea that has amazing potential (see links for info on other organizations around the country).
So, as the world has been watching Cincinnati, we have been working hard towards a process of true accountability between police and citizens - particularly in Over-the-Rhine, Cincinnati's most oppressed neighborhood. Using video cameras and other equipment, we monitor police activity in our community and directly work to end police misconduct, harassment, and brutality. Furthermore, we educate citizens using "know your rights" literature so that people will know what to do when confronted by the police.
With community organizing as our main tool, we seek to build a strong force to stop police terror and work towards true justice. "
and...
"Cincinnati Copwatch has also been working in a local coalition called the Coalition for a Just Cincinnati (CJC). This group, one of the organizers of the highly successful boycott of Cincinnati, has been instrumental in spreading the word about the issues affecting the community - from economic apartheid to police-community relations. Members of Cincinnati Copwatch have been involved with this organization since it began last summer.."
These are the people who our Cincinnati cops, have to face daily. These are the people they faced this week-end in the tawdry melee that snaked on its wilding way through the shadows of the offices we work in and drive to. They stand with the Buffoons United for a Farce, and, to one degree or another, they all abide by, tolerate or condone the platform that is espoused below
If we in Cinci, in this country, do not sharpen our scrutiny of what unfolds beneath our collective noses, we will also have to add the Panthers and their ilks' usurious names to the other cancers that devour our hard earned income, because these are also the folk streaking across the graves of their ancestors in the name of some of the ugliest money lust I've ever seen. From here to England, the reparation gangs roam the world intent on retribution , but, my guess is. they'll settle for everything we own.
( all emphasis mine)
WHAT WE WANT WHAT WE BELIEVE
WE WANT freedom. We want power to determine the destiny of our Black Community. WE BELIEVE that black people will not be free until we are able to determine our destiny.
WE WANT full employment for our people.
WE BELIEVE that the federal government is responsible and obligated to give every man employment or a guaranteed income. We believe that if the white American businessmen will not give full employment, then the means of production should be TAKEN from the businessmen and placed in the community so that the people of the community can organize and employ all of its people and give a high standard of living.
WE WANT an end to the robbery by the CAPITALIST of our Black Community. WE BELIEVE that this racist government has robbed us and now we are demanding the overdue debt of forty acres and two mules. Forty acres and two mules was promised 100 years ago as restitution for slave labor and mass murder of black people. We will accept the payment in currency which will be distributed to our many communities. The Germans are now aiding the Jews in Israel for the genocide of the Jewish people. The Germans murdered six million Jews. The American racist has taken part in the slaughter of over fifty million black people; therefore, we feel that this is a modest demand that we make.
WE WANT decent housing, fit for the shelter of human beings. WE BELIEVE that if the white landlords will not give decent housing to our black community, then the housing and the land should be made into cooperatives so that our community, with government aid, can build and make decent housing for its people.
WE WANT education for our people that exposes the true nature of this decadent American society. We want education that teaches us our true history and our role in the present-day society. WE BELIEVE in an educational system that will give to our people a knowledge of self. If a man does not have knowledge of himself and his position in society and the world, then he has little chance to relate to anything else.
WE WANT all black men to be exempt from military service. WE BELIEVE that Black people should not be forced to fight in the military service to defend a racist government that does not protect us. We will not fight and kill other people of color in the world who, like black people, are being victimized by the white racist government of America. We will protect ourselves from the force and violence of the racist police and the racist military, by whatever means necessary.
WE WANT an immediate end to POLICE BRUTALITY and MURDER of black people. WE BELIEVE we can end police brutality in our black community by organizing black self-defense groups that are dedicated to defending our black community from racist police oppression and brutality. The Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States gives a right to bear arms. We therefore believe that all black people should arm themselves for self- defense. ( this is what our cinci cops face. )
WE WANT freedom for all black men held in federal, state, county and city prisons and jails. WE BELIEVE that all black people should be released from the many jails and prisons because they have not received a fair and impartial trial.
WE WANT all black people when brought to trial to be tried in court by a jury of their peer group or people from their black communities, as defined by the Constitution of the United States. WE BELIEVE that the courts should follow the United States Constitution so that black people will receive fair trials. The 14th Amendment of the U.S. Constitution gives a man a right to be tried by his peer group. A peer is a person from a similar economic, social, religious, geographical, environmental, historical and racial background. To do this the court will be forced to select a jury from the black community from which the black defendant came. We have been, and are being tried by all-white juries that have no understanding of the "average reasoning man" of the black community.
WE WANT land, bread, housing, education, clothing, justice and peace. And as our major political objective, a United Nations supervised plebiscite to be held throughout the black colony in which only black colonial subjects will be allowed to participate, for the purpose of determining the will of black people as to their national destiny. WHEN, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume, among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
WE HOLD these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. **That, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that, whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.** Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and, accordingly, all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. **But, when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security.** .....
listening to the black voice, listening for reason.......
WANNAHOLLER Young Black Man in America NATHAN McCALL VINTAGE BOOKS, 1994 A Division of Random House, Inc. New York
Chapter 1 Get Back
The fellas and I were hanging out on our corner one afternoon when the strangest thing happened. A white boy, who appeared to be about eighteen or nineteen years old, came pedaling a bicycle casually through the neighborhood. I don't know if he was lost or just confused, but he was definitely in the wrong place to be doing the tourist bit. Somebody spotted him and pointed him out to the rest of us. "Look! What's that motherfucka doin' ridin' through here?! Is he crraaaazy?!"
It was automatic. We all took off after him. We caught him on Cavalier Boulevard and knocked him off the bike. He fell to the ground and it was all over. We were on him like white on rice. Ignoring the passing cars, we stomped him and kicked him. My stick partners kicked him in the head and face and watched the blood gush from his mouth. I kicked him in the stomach and nuts, where I knew it would hurt. Every time I drove my foot into his balls, I felt better; with each blow delivered, I gritted my teeth as I remembered some recent racial slight:
THIS is for all the times you followed me round in stores....
And THIS is for the times you treated me like a nigger....
And THIS is for G.P.--General Principle--just 'cause you white.
While we kicked, he lay there, curled up in the fetal position, trying to use his hands to cover his head. We bloodied him so badly that I got a little scared and backed off. The others, seeing how badly he was messed up, moved away too. But one dude kept stomping, like he'd gone berserk. He seemed crazed and consumed in the pleasure of kicking that white boy's ass. When he finished, he reached down and picked up the white dude's bike, lifted it as high as he could above his head, and slammed it down on him hard. The white guy didn't even flinch. H e was out cold. I feared he might be dead until I saw him breathing.
We walked away, laughing, boasting, competing for bragging rights about who'd done the most damage. "Man, did you see how red that cracker's face turned when I busted his lip? I almost broke my hand on that ugly motherfucka!"
Fucking up white boys like that made us feel good inside. I guess we must have been fourteen or fifteen by then, and it felt so good that we stumbled over each other sometimes trying to get in extra kicks and punches. When we bum-rushed white boys, it made me feel like we were beating all white people on behalf of all blacks. We called it "gettin' some get-back," securing revenge for all the shit they'd heaped on blacks all these years. They were still heaping hell on us, and especially on our parents. The difference was, cats in my generation weren't taking it lying down.
After my older brother Dwight got his driver's license, a group of us would pile into my stepfather's car some evenings and cruise through a nearby white neighborhood, searching for people walking the streets. We'd spot some whites, get out, rush over, and, using sticks and fists, try to beat them to within an inch of their lives.
Sometimes, when I sit back and think about the crazy things the fellas and I did and remember the hate and violence that we unleashed, it's hard to believe I was once part of all that--I feel so removed from it now that I've left the streets. Yet when I consider white America and the way it's treated blacks, our random rage in the old days makes perfect sense to me. Looking back, it's easy to understand how it all got started....
Brian Griffin, who does an admirable job tracking the Queen City on his Cincinnati.. blog of record, ponders whether I have fallen to 700 WLW marketing ploys, Via the Bill Cunningham imbroglio. Almost Mr. Griffin. Almost. I can't claim great familiarity with the history of talk radio antics, however, this excerpt from a 2001 Kieswater piece certainly amplifies Mr. Griffins assertions and concerns...
"Talk radio's critics, however, worry about its corrosive effect. They say talk radio's extreme emotions and cavalier attitude toward facts can present a distorted view of public opinion and promote divisiveness.
The National Conference for Community and Justice (formerly the National Conference of Christians and Jews) became so concerned about the impact of Cincinnati talk radio that it funded two research studies and monitored local shows the past four years.
Excusing talk radio as “just entertainment” is “a disingenuous and dishonest rationalization,” says Judge Nathaniel R. Jones of the Cincinnati-based U.S. 6th Circuit Court of Appeals. Mr. Jones is a National Conference board member and an outspoken critic of talk radio.
Mr. Jones, 73, is a former NAACP lawyer who says his many years of civil rights struggles makes him particularly sensitive to the misinformation and slurs he says are the fabric of many talk radio shows. “There are people who believe what they hear,” he says, “and they form judgments and make decisions based upon what they hear.”"
and...
Ms. O'Donnell's 1998 study for the National Conference, entitled “Do Talk Radio Listeners Believe What They Hear?,” concluded that “more often than not, listeners believe the information they receive from their favorite talk show host, and typically find the information useful, educational and fact-filled.”
Her 1999 follow-up study, called “The Values of Talk Radio Listeners,” found that “the power of persuasion resides in the listener believing the talk show host is a credible source because the (host) supports values similar to those of the listener.”
Mr. Cunningham and Mr. Ware, as well as many other talk show hosts, admit they use verbal theatrics, hyperbole and blunt talk to provoke callers. Mr. Cunningham, a talk host since 1983, says he has been forced to ratchet up the rhetoric since Democrat Bill Clinton left office.
“We live in boring times,” Mr. Cunningham said in an interview before the April street violence. “Taft is governor; Luken is mayor; and Bush is president. These are all boring people ... So we've got to make things up.”
(emphasis mine)
So, Mr. Griffin, is on the mark with his observations around WLW and other local talk. What I failed to elucidate in my post was, though the issue is bogus, the theme of censorship and the implied characterization of Clear Channel as an authoritarian bully, syncs quite well their reported posture in the corporate world and their overtly chauvinistic internal management style. So, indeed, I almost 'fell for it', only because, from what I have thus far learned about the behemoth that is Clear-ly Clue -less Channel, such an edict emanating from Texas is clearly plausible.
Ah, time. I haven't any. Again. But, I will support these contentions the next time my wheels head home, not till Sunday morning, it seems.
Food for thought,this series by Salon is quite tasty..
If this is true, I am livid. This is the second time this bitch, Helen Mays, censored Bill Cunningham or 700 WLW. For all his faults, at least the man did not pander to the local extortionists. At least he had the balls to question Bush, cause of his first suspension. At least he was alive! That isn't even the point. Censorship is the point ! Clear Channel has way too much power to begin this practice. Way too much....
I do not presently have the time to properly vent on this but, to start, here is her absolutely condescending letter to 'listeners'.
Links on Clear Channel ties to Bush, pending investigations and more when get back. Or just look it up yourself. The trail is easy to follow.
FRANK WORDS FROM HELEN MAYS Dear 700WLW listener:
Once again, I have been forced into the undesirable position of taking disciplinary action against a 700WLW air personality.
I am becoming less tolerant of the inappropriate "antics" of 700WLW's Bill Cunningham. My directives have been clear to Mr. Cunningham. I have told him repeatedly not to discuss certain subjects, and I have even told him to stop using the word "Willie," because of its potential offensiveness in the double entendre.
Mr. Cunningham's brazen disregard for these directives, and his apparent inability to take criticism (i.e. my suggestion to be less "conservative" and more liberal and "noninterventionist") is disturbing to me, as I am sure it is to you.
Part of my responsibility in controlling 700WLW is knowing what you want to hear. By being as proactive with Mr. Cunningham as I have, I am assured that his further offensiveness will not continue to damage your ears.
You have my assurance, if Jim Scott, Mike McConnell, Gary Burbank, Andy Furman, Scott Sloan or The Bozo (whose name I find mildly offensive) get out of line, they too, will incur my wrath.
I can see it would be very easy to choose sadness today. It seems to be lurking at the perimeters of my walls, attempting to ooze in via melancholy or nostalgia with spits of regret and remorse. Ah the languorous stream of self pity, so deceptively smooth, so insidiously paralyzing.
:::::sigh::::No. I can't afford to indulge. Such emotions verge on gluttony. They are rich in nuance and angst yet void of any value. Ever. They melt the lens of your vision so clarity is lost to the vaporous heat of pain. of despair. of anguish. Name brand pain. No. I am bankrupt and can not afford the antics of the drama queen. I have to turn away before I choose to be deceived.
First off., a disclaimer. Though I do yearn to act out all of my road rage fantasies, please, rest assured, they remain securely in check. Simple reason. Drivers' license = income. In my Jeep I'm a tad more vociferous and more than adequately expressive, but, at any given time, my primary objective is to travel through all traffic, composed primarily of fools or not, unscathed, with harm to none..
That said::::::sigh::::: I warily turn my eyes to the local political scene. Man, I tell you, I simply exhaust myself with these issues. I have tried to understand why this raises such all encompassing indignation and unadulterated ire. The heading I use for my links, Politics Askew, is quite intended in it's imagery.
Askew, as in: ADJECTIVE: DISTORTED &c. v.; out of shape, irregular, unsymmetric, anamorphous, awry, wry
Indeed. Let us examine. No let us first say. ....
Jesus. I'm so dissociative, I have to remind myself to talk in the first person. Life is always interesting when there is more than "me".
OK. I've always been politically lazy. Or indifferent. Perhaps I embody the quintessential American. Rather like the last line of this apropos entry, via Mind Over What Matters:
The U.N. conducted a worldwide survey last month. The only question asked was this: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure:
• In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
• In Eastern Europe they didn't now what "honest" meant.
• In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
• In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
• In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
• In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
• And in the U.S.A. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant. (emphasis mine)
So be it. I'm supposed to apologize for being an American? One of the many, innumerable little perks to living in this country is you are relatively safe, had been anyway, to live within your own 'reality bubble', if you will, knowing that there were to be no great calamities to distract you in the day to day efforts to sustain that reality. Whether your reality is defined by Benzs and doctorates and CEOS or more aptly expressed on an episode of Roseanne, we all have been relatively free to pursue our own rendering of life. That is just one of the great blessings of civilization that someone failed to inform Muslims about. One isn't primarily and only concerned about fundamental survival. Ones life isn't drained into hard labor merely to provide fuel to provide sufficient energy to copulate and reproduce, plant and harvest, again and again, ad infinitum ( see third world). We are civilized and even the damn, so called, under - privileged in this country have sufficient leisure to develop a number of handy philosophies, such as 'shakedown economics' and reparations and entitlement schemes.
Underprivileged, my ass.
Thus, a good deal of my vexation has to so with the fact that those who attack all of us supreme white folks, do so fully enabled by and ensconced in the nurturing fabric, matrix, if you will, of the society they continuously extort. They sucked the teat of the white supremacist cow for decades, but now? Now, they want the whole cow without ever having had to breed, raise or sustain a herd or a farm. If their boycott had a shred of integrity to it their boycott would have crumpled to its' knees before it drew a second breath. Why? Here, I'll not go into it again. I stated it adequately in this post to the 5 News Forum, in part:
Nana: Why should WE continue to support YOUR society, because NONE of the proceed would benefit a single minority.
Zee: ...This one may prove a tad difficult for you. If you happen to be a taxpayer, some of your money will inevitably end up helping the poor white trash your culture so disdains. Guess you could quit paying taxes. I suggest you shop ONLY at minority owned stores. Now don't let me catch you in my Kroger. I'll know your cheating. Get all your entertainment, sustenance, reading materials, CDs, computers, taxi rides, limo rides, electricity, telephone service, cell service, cable, radio shows, vacations.... any and all of it, from the minorities. Go for it! But you best be sure you stay away from those owned by the oppressive majority lest you be accused of hypocrisy. Oh, and if you're employed by one of these big, bad, majority meanies, you better quit if you want to maintain purity of boycott and conscience. Oh, and if none of it benefits you, then stop using the highways, airports, buses, or, entertainment parks, or, for that matter, quit using the constitution and right to free speech and assembly.Even though your culture has contributed richly and in myriad, admittedly largely unaccredited, ways, the majority of what this country and this city offers any of us, has been built, so far, by all those you choose to cast as monsters. You know, Italians, Romanians, Japanese, Vietnamese, Poles,Russians, Germans, Jews, Greeks, Chinese , Orientals, and on and on. You know, Americans? Those whom you seem so eager to condemn as you simultaneously, via your strong arm political "leaders", attempt to extort your purported just due? YOU support our society??? ( your demarcation, not mine) Sorry, but perhaps you need to consider how long, how infinitely long, All of responsible society has been supporting you who so despise us....
Randy: Check him out. (We walk by a guy, mid-thirties, bulging muscles, shaved head. He's wearing a ringer shirt that says "SIGMA OMICRON PI, FALL RUSH 1998" that hugs his giant biceps, camoflage pants, and smoking a cigarette, probably used as an accessory, the way girls have purses to match their shoes. I snicker.)
Randy: What? You don't think he's hot? Ernie: No, it's not that. Look at his shirt. He's not going to have to worry about bumping into any real Sigma Omicron Pi members in the Castro. Randy: Why not? Ernie: Because it's a sorority. An Asian Sorority. Randy: Ohmygod. Ernie: The poor thing. He probably bought it at a second-hand store to look all butch. Maybe I should tell him.
(We pass by the guy, and I make eye contact. I guess he noticed me staring at his chest and mistook it for me cruising him, because he scoffs, kinda rolls his eyes and walks away.)
when a death in the family occurs, there's some chinese traditions that i've seen that are almost always followed to a tee.
after the funeral on sunday, my aunt and uncle didn't stay at their house, not in fear of my deceased cousin coming back, i don't think, but they just didn't stay there. they went to my grandma's for the night. with this "not staying at home" thing, they setup my cousin's usual spot at the dinner table her wheelchair, food, and utensils.
so here's the funny part. what they neglected to do was tell my other uncle what they did (he lives there also). so he comes home from work at like 10 and there's no one home. to boot, he sees all that stuff at the dinner table. so now he's freaking out and thinking that the house is haunted and stuff.
that was funny when i heard it but it sucks that this tidbit comes with something like my cousin passing away.
William Gates? He's my age. He's a gentleman of my generation. We're a few months apart in age. I've never met him. I hate to pick on him. Really. He's obviously a very smart man. And he's a nicer guy, as a human being, than a lot of his competitors. But I have to pick on Bill, instead of Bill's competitors. Because Bill physically killed and ate all his competitors.
The older Bill gets, the uglier he gets. He's a guy riding a white horse, that turned into a runaway bronco bull, that turned into a scaly crocodile, and now, it is turning into some kind of diseased revenant. It's like the Steed of the Nazgul, those black, flying zombie horses that explode when exposed to fresh water. That's what Microsoft is like now. These guys, these Nazgul ... They used to be kings. They were originally human beings, they had wives and children and futures, they had their own little nations to govern and manage. But then there was the One Ring — One Ring to Rule Them All. One. And they couldn't resist. And they gave in.
To be GOVERNED is to be watched, inspected, spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, checked, estimated, valued, censured, commanded, by creatures who have neither the right nor the wisdom nor the virtue to do so. To be GOVERNED is to be at every operation, at every transaction noted, registered, counted, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished. It is, under pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be placed under contribution, drilled, fleeced, exploited, monopolized, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed, robbed; then at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be repressed, fined, vilified, harrassed, hunted down, abused, clubbed, disarmed, bound, choked, imprisoned, judged, condemned, shot, deported, sacrificed, sold, betrayed; and to crown all, mocked, ridiculed, derided, outraged, dishonored. That is government; that is its justice; that is its morality. P.J. Proudhon
***I'm beyond frustrated with this computer. Lord knows it has given me awesome performance but it ought to have initiated its' melt down before my budget did . Oh well.
***I love imagining how my son is feeling. I just opened the blinds and his new Chevy truck is parked across the street from the house, a pretty blue shining thing with bumpers winking in the sun. Saturday he goes for his permanent license and then he is off. The car is such a powerful metaphor in America. Is it in other countries? I don't know. I'm such a peasant, I've never gone anywhere. Yet. However, he can travel away from me more thoroughly now than he had ability to do so before. He has now, at last, the freedom of the road. There is great power in the simple act of engaging the ignition and choosing the direction your heart dictates. I have always the comfort of knowing the highways exist. I may leave. I may explore. I may get lost. I may roar and soar and spin my wheels in any silly damn direction I please and if the road fails me, by golly, I run a JEEP!! I go where I damn well wish because I am free to do so and the highways confirm who we are, we Americans. We simply go where we wish, and, if there is no way, we fucking make one.
Which triggers an odd thought. I find my mind glancing sideways at Mr. Bush, and I'm thinking...oil. Highway=freedom=cars and trucks and planes=America=oil. Such a simplistic way to get Bushs' twisty oil machinations on my approved list. Not that I never understood the connection but I always, always focus on the profits, the money, the oil dudes reap. But. Fine. If they don't succeed in getting the product here, America simply ceases to exist.
Energy energy energy. I have a feeling, should the enigma that is 'energy' be mastered, one might run into god. When I speculate on gods' existence, I render god as energy, beautiful pure cascading musical mathematics. So, I have a feeling we would be tangling with him should man broach the borders of pure energy. Ahhh. That is the only thing of value beyond comprehension. Has that not always been the mythical pursuit..to make perpetual energy/
But, I digress. ( gee, ya think? ) Gabe is a happy young man which makes my heart very light indeed. Sad too. Circumstances have made it possible to share his life on a daily basis again. His Dad raised him, I raised Aaron. And the friendship we managed to salvage from the marriage has made the situation much less excruciating then it might have been. I've always managed to live within 15 minutes of Gabe. Well, excluding the year I got thoroughly whacked on Prozac and up and moved back to Washington state. Which is a whole frigging other story . But Ii just have to say this. If I were going to attempt another chemical attitude adjustment, I'll opt for LSD. Trust me, there are Prozac stories out there folks just don't hear about. But anyway, for the past 8, hell, its' almost been a year now, I've been living under the same roof with him again, having rented a studio in my exes' house ( poor man) and realizing, over the years, all that I missed that 15 minutes proximity could never compensate for. The daily nuances, silly jokes, tweaks on the cheeks. Life. Life with a family. Something I have little comprehension of. So odd to finally trust life just enough to sense what family could really be about.
Well, time to hit the road and press one more days use into this damn suit which I need to replace. Like, yesterday.
Yup. Still in a random mode, not any more inclined to organize my thoughts ( which qualifies as an oxymoron-ic concept) than earlier. Good quick trip this morning. Traffic fine, but I bet I end up contending with Reds traffic this evening. Which, when I think about it, sad to say, hasn't been all that much this season.
Ran into this blog which oh so fills me with glee. A team blog of Massachusetts drivers venting their road rage. I think it would be an appropriate and worthy project for Cincinnati. It might even save my life. I could save my collective venom for deposit in a daily seething post. Thus, I could forego giving the deserving fuckwads who taint my day the finger, always, I magine, risking getting shot at. You see, I consider it my sacred duty to to inform all highway miscreants of their roadway sins. There are times I'd kill for a huge pickup truck with a ram and just one free for all hour when you could nail these fuckers to the side of the embankments. God save a fucking slow driver in front of me. Hey dickheads. Did ya happen to notice your fucking mule car is dividing traffic around you like fucking Moses at the Red Sea? I'm going to get a picture of an obviously tiny penis and stick it out my window at every freak who pisses me off.
Ahh. This is a sign I'd like to see. To the most excellent foks at Atimis. Please, feel free, when 75 is a parking lot, to inform us in the manner above. We need the humor. If you receive a complaint from Little Miss Cinci Sensitive, send her to me. I'll educate her. Really. Death to political correctness!!!!!
It just occurred to me, the heading 'Random", is actually a cop out. It simply signals that I haven't the wits about me to provide a block of coherent thinking that involves a beginning, middle and end, that entertains and/or informs. Nope. I'm just a random sort of soul.
Oh, well.
.....I go looking for Cinci blogs in their various directories and ran across a new one that belongs, apparently, to a PR dude, who uses the phrase "train of thought technology" to describe Blogs. That is right on target. Excellent.
Oh, oh. This is special. Today, my youngest, Gabe, will be getting his first vehicle. For reasons too convoluted and mundane to enter into, he is just now getting his permanent drivers' license, having been content to get by with his temps thus far. He's found an excellent 96 short bed, 5 speed stick, uhhh, 6 banger ( banger, right?) chevy truck in mint condition at a steal. And he damn well deserves it. Both my sons had to ride the tumultuous waters they were born into. after all, none of us have a choice in that. But we all have a choice as to how we form our characters. The hardships they endured coming up subjected them to a lot less pleasant childhood than i would have wished for them but damn, they came out of it with shining good hearts, a fair and principled set of ethics and indomitable spirit. I would have no faith in life were it not for the presence of my sons in my life. They are my only evidence that all the rumors about the power of love may, after all, be true. My love for them are the only honest emotions i own. I think.
.....I'm sure anyone who may read this, by accident no doubt, at first glance would assume I'm racist. I say again, I am exploring as to whether I am, or not, having all my life been damn aghast had it been suggested to me that I was. So, I am exploring that, given that all my views encompassing a certain value system, are attacked as racist from those who claim to know. Whatever. And they may be right. I'm willing to be convinced. So far, I've read nothing convincing. . Ok I will not go off on that tangent but I do want to present this link which gives a version of why slavery can be held as a credible excuse/explanation for the incredible numbers involving black on black homicide.But, I put it out here, should perhaps the rare passerby, of any political view, be willing to review and offer an opinion as to it's objectivity, credibility. I was thinking of throwing it out as a debate topic on the 5 news forum, but, I've had no success with such offers before. And I've offered pieces that support the opposing view, providing ammo, if you will. They of the opposition, however, seem to prefer overblown rhetoric. We'll see. Opinion?
.....Time to prepare for the first trip. Cinci has been absolutely compensating for the torrid weather of last week. This is the 3rd clear blue sweet day in a row. Ahhh Cinci, when she's good she's good....Anyway, I especially love driving on days like these. First trip is a stretch pick and drop, the drop being to the Mississippi Queen down At the Public Landing. Perfect. Love the river. Only two trips today. An entertainment trip tonight in a 10 pack. A birthday I believe. A sweet, easy day. What a damn lazy woman I am.
Cincinnati Boycott: Spit & Venom from Channel 5 news forum
Well the shake down artists are at it again. Cincinnati, Xerox, Coke, Atlanta, Dennys and on and on. If that doesn't speak loudly to the avaricious and vindictive nature of the black race, I don't know what does. I tell ya what. As a race, were I black, I'd be writhing in shame.
I would have, at one time, been appalled by the allegations made against Xerox, but, thanks to the boycott, I have come to see the duplicitous nature of the black folks who play these entitlement games. From the rhetoric of the Buffoons United in a Farce I know that outright lies are stated with aplomb and smug satisfaction.The black voice speaking truth in Cincinnati apparently is mute.
So, I hardly find credible any of the accusations made and I'm certainly going to e-mail Xerox encouraging them to remain strong in their defense against greedy extortionists. I fully believe, IF, blacks are disciplined more and promoted less it is because their performances merits exactly what is rendered.
Don't come back with the typical racism charges. I could go out in the street and find 10 white folks in 3 minutes who can tell stories of black colleagues who were unqualified when hired, improved not an iota and played the race card every opportunity given. The only injustice I see is that done to blacks by their own black brothas' crying wolf so many damn times that real civil right infractions will be dismissed with all the other tall tales that are going to be told.
Zee
...random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?"
Well. It's 0425 and I need to jump in the shower in 3 minutes. So WTF am I doing here? Geesh, i guess this blogging can be categorized as yet another frigging addiction!! Welcome new addiction. believe me, you have lots of company. My guess is I probably shouldn't trust myself to write when I'm half asleep. However, it probably will not be any worse than what I conjure up when fully awake. Oh well. ::::Yawn:::: More shakedown crap. You know, before this boycott situation in Cinci, I would read such an article and be appalled. Hanging black dolls up with nooses. Utterly sick. Now, having seen the deception, overblown rhetoric ( link later) and circus antics of the fool Rev. Lynch and his band of sycophants who are shaking down the City of Cinci locally, well, I simply don't believe the report.
Well, I'll explore this more when I get back from my first trip. It's off to the Omni downtown, CVG, then back home.
As usual, per my ADD self, I am all over the map. Which actually is a strategy by default. I tried for years to focus on one given task until completion and I simply, without question, can not function that way. Enforced routine is a guarantee that I will eventually self sabotage in order to eject myself out of the situation. If I'm functioning with 'consciousness' off. Not observing the games I'm playing on myself. However, years of therapy has succeeded in providing me a small array of tools that enable me to catch and or distinguish when I am on a self destructive mode and change track. However, What has ultimately been the most effective for me, is to observe and comprehend what environment and which activities are conducive to my functioning effectively and engage only in that. Thus, I am no longer in real estate or any form of sales. I think it is due mainly to the essentially manipulative nature of sales that thwarts my embracing what could be, and was for awhile, a lucrative career, given I communicate quite effectively with my people. But I loathe, to my core, a visceral reaction, asking for the sale. Closing. So I was working against myself, but, in the course of that experience I discovered I love to teach. I excelled at educating my clients about the market and I also considered it an imperative that I armed all clients with sufficient information to make an educated decision on their own as opposed to leading them to what I think they ought to have. I had incredibly loyal clients in real estate but I probably would have sold considerably more units had I not invested that type of time into people. But, I dealt quite a bit with out-of- towners who were forced to make a critical decision within, usually, only a weekend to tour and write the contract, in a town they never laid eyes on before. I felt responsible in seeing to it they made a decision that suited their own best interest, not my particular sales prerogatives. Thus, ultimately, I sucked at real estate. Well, actually, I did quite well professionally if you don't consider that I developed a hefty drinking habit ( self sabotage) and every land mine that had been in my marriage blew up, seemingly, simultaneously,. But, that certainly is another story. All of which is to say you learn your limitations and avoid doing what stunts you, essentially. With ADD, it is insane for me to force myself in restrictive situations. As much as I love teaching weight lifting, I could nottolerate the restrictions imposed by working at a club/gym. I know I could have developed an excellent client base at the Rivercenter Marriott if had I stuck it out and, if I smiled while they blithely extracted fully 50% of whatever fee I would charge my personal clients, which would have forced me to charge 100 and up per hour for basic training. Sorry, I don't like to participate in highway robbery. I'm a damn good trainer but I also do not have sufficient education to merit that fee. I'm certified, which for all the glory trainers get, mere certification is no great guns in terms of comprehensive knowledge. Not to say street smarts aren't ultimately what counts in basic weight lifting. But the specialties, such as sport specific training, merit the high fees it demands. Everyday civilian training, if you will, does not. Any frigging way, you couldn't not even wear what clothes you wished. I worked long and hard on developing some awesome arms and they freaked if my bis or tris showed or if you simply dressed the way trainers dressed. I mean this is a gym, hotel or not, we were in the gym!. Plus you had security check points, sign in out up around and random drug tests. Jesus. Insane. Could NOT handle it so I concentrated on driving, not realizing the economy was going to blow up and it has, thus far, proven impossible to try to develop a private clientele base. And, I actually don't even want private clients. Frigging women drive me nuts. I want to teach kids, delinquents specifically, as I did in Washington. And that is yet, another story. Bottom line, I have to have a flexible schedule, or have the illusion of that freedom..
Anyway , in the course of earnestly trying to function productively on planet earth, one attribute which i I discovered is that I multi-task exceptionally well, as do all ADD'ers. I think they used to accuse me, as a child, of having a short attention span and that I MUST discipline myself to stay rooted to one spot until I complete the task at hand. No wonder I excel at procrastination. Maybe all procrastination is, is paralysis. Incapable of performing in a proscribed way and prevented from performing in the way you are designed to perform. Thus, you are frozen in place. Well, you have no frigging choice but to daydream or wander off until the discomfort due to the intractability of the situation subsides. ( picture first grader trying oh so frigging hard not to squirm but to just write her damn paragraph. "Quit looking out the window. And just what were you day dreaming about young lady? Please, share it with the class.") In essence, one must honor ones' essential design, nature, proclivities. I trick production out of myself by having several 'things' going on at once. Thus, I will have wandered away from this keyboard several times to tend to a few other areas requiring attention. I find I can impose at least that much structure around my day, i.e.; I have 3 piles of activities to rotate and I force my attention to that pattern. Since I don't have to stay with any one task for very long I don't put it off for dread of it, thus, I end up bringing more things, tasks to completion with minimum guilt. I am so sure it sounds crippled to those who haven't the trait, ADD, that is. But it is simply allowing for how I am apparently designed. That is why limo driving is ideal for my purposes. it satisfies me on many levels, but the freedom of the road belies the fact you are actually, quite responsibly employed. You have parameters but they are wide open and if it is a particularly demanding day you know that no doubt, a less tense day is down the road. The tension around being absolutely on time, EV-ER-Y time, and delivering all parties satisfied, is a tension I've become convinced ADD'ers and procrastinators, in general, perversely enjoy. Perhaps need. One therapist, a few years ago, told me to quit beating myself up about my turgid procrastinatin' ways, but to accept that I thrive on the tension of meeting deadlines, obligations, etc, at the last frigging moment. This was prior to being enlightened about ADD, which so , so helped me revamp my life in a way conducive to, uh, well, conducive to actually living.
Ok. Point...point, what was the point. ::::silence:::: Ah, well, yes. Multi task . That is what I have been doing on this, my only day off. You see, essentially I am an incredibly lazy creature but a weird twist of fate has invested me with this frigging work ethic that may be a tad to severe, but, 6 days a week it is and has been for a few years with no vacation since right before my divorce which I think was in 90, so. Of course fleeing the specter of abject poverty has served as excellent motivation as well. BUT, the thing is, I SAVOR my days off but then, run into that paralysis problem when presented with a block of time that I must organize and you can be damn sure I don't relish mundane maintenance type activities. Housekeeping is absolutely at the bottom of the list. But , to circumvent a day of being frozen by all the things I want to do, thus do nothing, I'm doing a little bit of all. So, like now, after I spell check and post and publish and all that happy crap, I'll go do 3 sets of crunches. I must. It is becoming very close to a bellicose, fat crisis. I can feel my belly. It's like some frigging growth or something. The vague nightmare of resembling some of the fine but portly gentleman, my colleagues , that I see everyday at the airport. Well,I'm sorry. It's just another one of those fucking inequities of this culture that fat men look dignified and fat women look..... frigging fat. I refuse. I was about 12% body fat when I started driving, geesh, going on 3 years ago. I will not venture to say what it is now but I'll check it when my size 10's are loose again. So, I'm gonna go multi task and then, if my zooming from pile to pile maintains its correct trajectory, I'll be back. ( Said like me, Zee, not good old Arnold)
I know, I know, I have to get off this boycott tangent, but I'll just finish posting the last of the latest exchange. This dude, 'Apone" a correspondent on the Forum, has always taken a condescending voice in his posts As if poor white-ie had to be led by hand to understand the evil and errors of his way. At ant rate, his supposedly conciliatory discourse fails to disguise his hostility or the radical path his politics follow. Apparently my prior post pissed him off sufficiently to show a little of his 'true colors' , if you will. So, following, an excerpt of his response:
Channel 5 news Forum.....from 07..30.02
Apone and no, America is one of the most barbaric places on the earth. it's obvious with a look at history. imagine a person who is wonderful, who is the model human. ghandi? mother teresa? now, imagine the most savage... hitler? attila the hun? some other murderous, killer? now, which role have people of color played? right, the role of the model human, not killing at every turn, the natives here in this land, accepting of white people in tons of ways, from religion to practices, and trying to share the land.
but what did the white people do, kill, take, murder, slaughter EVERYONE they came in contact with that was non-white.
no, Amerikkka and the white people that founded it were terrorists and savage.
you can't erase history--there's no refuting the truth, and that is 100% the truth.
nobody can deny what has happened. so i suggest to you, that the wealth of this nation, the majority of which has been kept by whites, was ill-gotten.
Zee
Ahh Mr. Apone. Job well done, and, as expected. I had thought, eventually, the bilge in your heart would find its way to this page for all your pretenses of racial harmony. Very well done sir. You have proven my point.
Debate is an honorable pursuit Mr. Apone. Participants intent on ferreting out truth hidden in the passion and the solipsistic twists, to, in the end, come to terms , an accord, a meeting of the mind, concord. It is premised, however, on integrity. Sir, right now, you are more enamored of your solipsism and too lost in your passion to pay due respect to integrity. Therefore, I, personally have no interest in debating you and really am quite suspicious of what your actual motives are in insisting on such an event. The Buzz is rife with calls of zealous 'brothas' out with their video cameras "taping the man, getting the dirt on him". Such a waste of energy. Such a waste of passion. They'd be so much better served if they pursued gainful employment with equal zeal. Be that as it may, I have cause to suspect what you might wish to stage with your insistence on debate.
However, all that skillful and honest debate can yield, can manifest quite easily in this forum, and when opponents interested in that caliber parley show up I'm sure those of us who remain interested, will gladly engage.
For now, well, if you are good to your word, "I'm done with you." , everyone can now take a deep, deep breath of fresh, lucid air.
If they want.
Free country, ya know?
Zee
....random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?"
Cincinnati Boycot: Spit & Venom from Channel 5 News forum
from....07.03.02
Apone zee... get real man. you only come in once in a blue moon, then put up a bunch of stuff and pretend to enter the conversation. racism doesn't just go away for some of us, who can appear every few months for a day, then leave again.]
Zee
You know, actually, I'm pretending nothing. I did enter the conversation and I will do so when, and as frequently, as I choose . I had no idea ones' appearance here indicated the degree to which they are invested in the issue of racism. It imparts more value to this forum than it merits. Perhaps you consider it your own personal soapbox but I pursue this inquiry in more than one arena and it is a topic to which I have devoted a great deal of attention.
Apone
and #1, you don't know enough about me to brand me a conservative or a liberal, of which I'm neither.
Zee
Actually I referred to you as 'leftist'. One need only follow the rhetorical crumbs you trail through your spiels to recognize the ideology from which they issue. Don't come swaggering in here with phrases such as 'white supremacy' and then play coy about your politics.
Apone
you're obviously concerned about patriotism though, from your little taliban comment, which is just moronic. Just because, like the people before me, I'm not going to just sit here and take racism, all of a sudden you want to insinuate i'd join up with the taliban.
not only is that the dumbest thing you could have said, but it also smacks of the ultrapatriotic nuts who think that you have to be in lockstep with the government right now, including the police, or you're a communist pig. Get outta town. no really...get outta town.
Zee My, my my. Imaginative use of my mouth, but I said none of those things. What I did suggest was that you'd be less than a trustworthy ally, a concern which has nothing to do with patriotism but MUCH to do with self preservation as well as preservation of a lifestyle I find I damn well like. Those whose politics you align with have little fondness for the white race or this country. If you borrow their rhetoric one can only conclude you hold the same antipathies. I "lockstep" with no government or ideology Mr. Apone. Perhaps if you'd quit studying your racial belly button long enough to look up and observe the current state of affairs, you might notice the civil rights of all Americans, Mr. Apone, are being severely threatened by our government. There ARE other concerns on the planet a tad more serious than your hysteria over the plight of helpless blacks in Cincinnati.
Apone and as far as the africa topic, you don't want to get started on that one. not only have you picked up on the biggest straw man around, you've shown your ignorance by your evident lack of thought around that issue. You postulate something silly, and obviously have not stopped to think about what people and their descendants would have been doing if not here, fighting for civil rights
Zee Again you respond to a question with a sophomoric shower of insults. Simple inquiry Mr. Apone. Why do you never mention the fact that slavery, conducted primarily by Arabs, is an ongoing enterprise in Africa? Tad more demanding situation then all the horrible injustices you suffer in Cinci, don't you agree? So I'm naturally curious that with all the overwrought concerns you have for your beleaguered Over the Rhine tribe that I'd never heard your emancipation efforts on the 'African-Africans' behalf. Who knows, maybe us white folks can help. We have some experience freeing up people. Please, do enlighten me with all that black history you demand I learn. In your races' long illustrious history, which particular race of people have you fought a war for and restructured a government in order to secure their freedom. Seems to have slipped my mind. Oh well....
Apone not only that, but you're evidently thoughtless enough to not have considered the considerable amount of profit that america gained thanks to the free labor of slaves(not even to MENTION the use of other racial groups at super low or no wages, not even to mention the bs laws that got passed anytime the white working class felt "threatened" by immigrants or free blacks.
Zee Evidently you fail to recognize that you also have benefitted from the very same slavery you curse, given you rode into the year 2002 on the same wave as everyone else did. Further more, I wonder what the hell you would have done had your particular ancestors been taken to a much less desirable country. Pick any of the non-Euro barbaric countries out there you want My guess is you'd likely not even have electricity let alone the freedom to leisurely conduct your virtual war of words in oh so oppressive Cinci. My point is this. [B]Any[/B] conceivable debt, and i choke on the concept, owed to you and yours has been amply repaid by the ineffable value accrued to your race by virtue of participating in and benefitting from one is the most advanced societies on earth, which, so sad to disappoint you, is America.
Apone and for the umpteenth time, I don't want your sympathy. I want you to act like a human and have your fellow man stop discriminating against people.
Zee If you don't want sympathy, which I haven't a shred of, than don't keep bemoaning the wounded negro psyche and the tiresome legacy of slavery. Every frigging race on this planet has suffered. Why do you people insist that YOUR suffering takes priority? Just because you landed in a society wealthy enough to accomodate your constant barrage of demands doesn't justify your continuing to demand more. Damn it man. You insist your current state is directly attributable to your history and it just doesn't wash with white folks, it never ever will, because that "reality" is not reflected in the world at large. Given your premise, the Jewish race, historically the most persecuted on earth, should be in front of you folks in the entitlement arena, yet their centuries of strife have yielded up warriors and kingdom makers. You guys? You come up with.....MLK and the sad shake down artists, Jackson and Sharpton and wanna-be Lynch, who poison his legacy.
Apone if that and understanding the truth about reality(which charles mills would say is a problem you'd have to work to overcome) is a tall order for you, then I'm sorry.
Zee Ah! Reality. A complex topic, much beyond the scope of this conversation, Mr. Apone, but so obviously open to interpretation.
Apone the "de-policing" stuff is ridiculous. any person who refuses to do their job when they are forced to do it correctly, should turn in their badge. blah, blah, blah....
Zee I imagine it would help if you read what you so fervently respond to. I have no idea where you are going with this. I posted a Heather McDonald piece describing, essentially, the disgust and trials of black police officers who have no truck with those so called civil rights activists attacking the police forces nation wide. "De-policing"???......who cares.....I didn't mention it.
Apone and for the last time on this issue, let's play it again. why are there "black" organizations? why is there an ebony, a jet, a b.e.t., a miss "black" universe, "black" universities, etc?? BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE HAD SHUT BLACKS OUT.
Zee Well, no one is shutting you out now so why don't you just quit with the exclusionary crap. Or is it going to be 'tit for tat' for the next few hundred years, you black folks trying to play catch-up and retribution. You would think you would want to use your freedom more gracefully than the white race has, not make the same incendiary mistakes.
Apone I'm bored of going through your post and pointing out where you've failed to think. this has become a useless exercise.blah, blah, blah
Zee Well, in this we share the same sentiments. But, I might point out that you have never yet proven anything on this forum Mr. Apone. In fact, most of your posts make very little sense, but, you have to work with what you have, I guess. If any of your so called arguments were effective or convincing, I see no evidence of it. In fact, they go further in pushing me away from any empathy I ever had for your so called cause. In fact, all the black belly aching in this city has served no more than to alienate and confuse. You see, I always had thought you guys were one of us. But your many strident voices have called attention to the fact that you, as a people, do not see yourselves in any way as part of the society that you so vigorously attack and I question if your objective is to continue to become a part of America or create your own version, which, I might add, will never happen. So, Mr. Apone, to quote you, take your ineffable boredom and...
"Get outta town. no really...get outta town"
Zee
....random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?"
